


Sit in Judgment (feat. Mass Effect)

by citizenblue



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:38:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7113691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citizenblue/pseuds/citizenblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Inquisitor Adaar is made to judge several out-of-this-world personalities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a couple idiotic pieces to pass the time. Who will Adaar judge next? Who knows?

“Inquisitor, I – ah – must apologize.” Josephine suddenly found herself unsure of what to do with her hands. “But he refused to take off the… horns.”

The little man stepped forward, brandishing with pride a set of horns that had been clearly poached from a ram and glued (rather crudely) to his head. He seemed… in awe?

The Inquisitor leaned back into the throne before pinching her nose. “Do I even want to ask why he's here?”

“He… well… attacked several Ferelden soldiers near the Waking Sea,” Josephine said. “He was entirely unsuccessful but he claimed to be of the Qun. It should be noted that the Qunari have disavowed all knowledge of this…” Josephine looked down at the clipboard. “…Conrad.”

“ _Why?_ ”

Conrad smiled wide; “I was just trying to be like you! A _real_ hero, you know? Qunari!” He looked up with an embarrassing sincerity. “I'm going to help save the world too!”

“For the love of… You realize I'm not _actually_ Qunari? I'm Vashoth.”

“…Oh.”

The little man looked frighteningly akin to a kicked puppy.

Josephine spoke up. “Queen Anora did insist we devise a punishment. I do believe her exact words were, 'He's your fan; you deal with him.'”

“Whatever.” Adaar waved a hand towards Conrad. “Stick your foot out a little.”

“My foot? Okay, I guess if that's what you think is best.”

“Sera?”

On cue, an arrow flew down from the balcony above, landing squarely in the man's left shoe.

Conrad screamed. He clawed at his face as he writhed in agony. “Aaah! My foot! You shot my foot! Aaah!”

“That shot barely grazed you,” Josephine muttered, thoroughly frustrated with all parties involved.

Adaar shook her head as the guards dragged Conrad away. No one had ever warned her that the trials and tribulations accompanying the title of Inquisitor would include _this_.


	2. Chapter 2

The Inquisitor slumped even lower in the throne as Josephine approached with the next prisoner. The dwarf positively _glowed_.

“This was a surprise,” Josephine said. “As you may remember, when you returned from Suledin Keep, Niftu of House Cal was brought with you in order to receive medical attention. When he awoke, he attempted to assault our doctors with… magic.”

“Magic? But he's a dwarf.”

Niftu raged at the insult. “ _What?_ I am a magical god!”

“Yes, well, it appears the Templars may have attempted to study the magical potential of Dwarves.”

“I think things,” the dwarf exclaimed, “and they happen! Fear me, lesser creatures, for I am magic made flesh!”

Adaar sighed. “Right. To be honest I'm tempted to have him killed right here and now.”

“You will regret your scandalous words! I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like a… a great wind! A great magical wind! Yes, the Templars forcing me to eat so much lyrium was terrifying. But then I began to smell my greatness! They may laugh when I fall over, but they don't know what I know in my head – that I know that I am amazingly powerful!” The dwarf began to glow and burn with energy. “Fear me!”

The dwarf _exploded_ with energy, sending forth a mighty bolt towards the Inquisitor!

The bolt pinged Adaar on the chin.

“You know what?” Adaar said as she gritted her teeth. “I don't care. We're marching to the Arbor Wilds, right? Put him on the front lines. I'm sure they'll _fear_ him.”

Varric snickered. “That's mean. Funny, but mean.”


	3. Chapter 3

“What now?”

Josephine gave an apologetic smile, equally as annoyed and fatigued as the Inquisitor. “This is… Blasto. Immediately upon his arrival to Skyhold, he instigated a barfight with Maryden, leaving the Herald's Rest in complete shambles.”

“What sort of Blighted name is Blasto?”

The elf remained impassive. “This one is an actor--”

“--Andraste's hairy left tit, why is he talking like that?”

“Do not interrupt this one! This one does not share top-billing!”

"Sweet Maker please stop," Adaar said, burying her head in her hands. “Just… kick him out of Skyhold.”

“Very well, Inquisitor,” Josephine said.

“Are you engaging in sexual behavior with this one?” Upon receiving no response, the elf coquettishly turned towards the soon-to-be-horrified Ambassador; “ _You_ would not do this, polyp. Not when this one would enjoy Enkindling you.”

At that, the guards quickly dragged the elf away.

Adaar scratched her horns. “What in Maker's breath is a polyp?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Badassfully, I enjoyed writing that.


End file.
